PoopGroup: Nemesis is my nemesis + My favorite natural laxative

OK, so when I told you that Chocolate Nemesis is delicious, I wasn't lying. But after a week of trying to finish it off, paper-thin slice by slice, and then to pawn it off on my friends and loved ones, and then finally to just wrap the thing up in tinfoil and give it to my boss to give to his kids, issued with the warning, "Don't let them eat it before bedtime..." I am ready to bury my demons and put the cake platter back in the cupboard.

They don't call it Nemesis for nothing! Besides being the equivalent of a double Americano before bedtime--with weird dreams and 4AM jolts awake where you feel your blood quivering behind your eyes and stuff--it's been screwing up my poop! It appears that I am pooping Nemesis itself! And that photo may mislead if you think you know what the texture is: it's not loaf-style at all--it is like sticky fudge. Not fun. And besides having to wipe 'till I bleed (this will be a future post, but as an aside, does anyone else wipe 'till they bleed? I seem to do it frequently, but I also have a problem with brushing my teeth too aggressively, so it may just be a personal tic), I haven't had that blessed feeling of total release and emptiness--that hollowness that almost hurts because it feels so good, you know what I mean? (It must be like getting a colonic.) So it feels like I've got a turtle-tail that's the length of my intestines. I'm going to apply my favorite laxative this weekend and hopefully get those pipes cleaned out:

LUKAS'S NATURAL LAXATIVE SUPREME

1/2 bunch kale
1 T olive oil
1 clove garlic
1 t red pepper flakes
juice of 1/2 lemon

Chop the cleaned kale into 1" pieces. Heat the oil in a pan, add the garlic for a minute or two, and then the kale. Sauté until tender. Add the red pepper flakes. Take off the heat and squeeze the juice over the greens. Don't stray too far from a toilet for several hours.

Anyway, PoopGroupers, I also found this today: Someone has compiled a lexicon for us. Discuss.